That Uncomfortable Feeling

sprinting. hanging onto a bar. completing one last burpee.

You know that feeling? The one where you are physically exhausted and you really want to stop? The one that's kind of uncomfortable?

I use to shy away from that feeling a lot. It is probably the main reason I've always gravitated towards endurance sports instead of power or explosive sports. I don't like that feeling. When my body gets tired, I want to stop. I've talked about this before in relation to the effort I put into a really hard workout. I put in a solid 95%. Yup. 95. Never 100. I would like to be stronger and I would like to be faster, but I've realized the only way I am going to make those gains is to get used to that uncomfortable feeling.

And that kind of scares me, but lately, I am finding that I want to push through it. Until Crossfit I had no idea how to push through that feeling or that I should even bother trying to. But the daily WOD is changing my perspective. I am now choosing heavier weights and completing the movements faster, making my workouts even harder than they used to be. Today was a perfect example.

This WOD was tough. I have never cleaned more than 55lbs before, so the idea of cleaning and pressing that amount of weight 40 times seemed impossible to me. But I wanted to try it. There...right there! That is a change in my mindset. I wanted to try it?! That was definitely Chris talking, haha (see 'Who is Chris anyways')! I was willing to push myself closer and closer to that uncomfortable feeling, knowing I would have to work with it for a while. Like a wave, I find the feeling builds and builds in an intense workout and I either have to stand up and ride it out or it will overtake me, as I submit to the punishment underwater. But the feeling when I ride it out is extremely powerful.

Today I cleaned and pressed 55lbs 40 times by choice, as part of my WOD. And I tried my best to maintain a fast pace through the sprinting. I was gasping for air by the end and for the first time ever I even understood why some people have wanted to puke during a workout. I wasn't going to....but I understood the desire. I was the last to finish and as a result I had the whole crowd cheering for me. My coach and another member even ran the last 200 meters with me and completed my squats alongside. I was touched.

But to convince myself to give this kind of effort is not an easy task. I struggle with this...struggle with accepting and even working with that uncomfortable feeling. How do you make yourself do it? How do you go into something with your full, 100% effort, knowing it is going to be awful and it may just break you? Amazingly, there are countless examples of people doing this everyday as they struggle to fight for their health, or compete against a personal record, or face a fear. I believe my training is slowly but surely preparing me for those moments, not just in the WOD, but in life.

But for now, I must just learn to ride that uncomfortable feeling for as long as I can.

How do you do it?

Who is 'Chris' anyways?

I'm not even sure if I should let you in on this strange and silly little secret.... it's like my crutch, my security blanket...but I feel as though it has helped me a lot and maybe it could do the same for you?

So, who is Chris anyways?

When I was in PSYC 100, my first year at university, my professor told the class an interesting story about a colleuge of his. This fellow professor hated to speak in public, but unfortunately, being a professor and having to give lectures as well as speak at conferences about her research, she had to speak in public frequently. To combat the quezy feelings and anxiety that would evidently come before a public speaking event, she decided to invent an alternate persona. Let's call his persona Angie. Now Angie loved speaking in public and she did so with a self assured, unwavering voice. Whenever the professor had to speak in public, she would take a few minutes, pretend she was Angie and perform her speech with confidence. Our psychology professor assured the class that he was not advocating for us to cultivate some sort of personality disorder here, just simply consider the possibility of uncovering some aspects of ourselves that could in help us in times of uncertainty.

I took this story right to heart.

Within my first month at university, I started a new job as a strength trainer and assistant weight room manager for the university fitness centre...and I was terrified! Me. In first year. With all the jocks in the weight room. I was a certified personal trainer at that point and had long been comfortable in a weight room, but the thought of managing one, being the sole person in the room if any emergencies happened, or having to ask patrons to clean up after them selves or respect each other's space, really made me nervous. We always wrote our names up on a white board for the patrons to see and that first day, thinking back to my professor's story, I wrote in proud, bold letters: Chris.

Now who is Chris? She is tough. She is always confident. She seeks out adventure and thrives on competition. She loves to push her limits and believes that crazy dreams and ambitions are all possible. Essentially, she negates my every worry, insecurity and fear.

So when I feel exceptionally nervous about trying something new like training at a different CrossFit box or coaching a run clinic, I introduce myself as Chris and it gives me that extra boost of confidence. And every time someone calls me Chris it reminds me of those qualities that I want to have. My CrossFit coach doesn't even know this story (she will now!) but every time she uses that name and tells me "keep going, Chris! One more rep!" she is motivating me and giving me the confidence to push myself.

So I have been using this aid for a few years now and the amazing thing I've noticed is that Chris isn't so different from me anymore. I still enjoy using that name to bring up my confidence, but the qualities that I have attributed to Chris have become more and more integrated into my personality. I am more willing to push my limits and challenge my own insecurities and fears instead of backing down. I have found that acting the part of a confident women who challenges herself has in fact turned me into that person.

And whether I am Christine or Chris, I can be proud of who I am.